A World Without:
“Call Me Maybe”
Caroline Lewis
You’re about to step into a world much
different than the one you may be familiar with. It takes place right here on
Earth, in fact, and from a bird’s eye view you may think that nothing has
changed. So what IS different? Listen a little closely, to the radio that is.
Fast beat techno songs play repetitive beats with little-to-no comprehensible
lyrics. Rappers sing about cars, sex, and money. But something is missing. Ah,
now you hear it. There is no “Call Me Maybe.”
* * *
Thank you for tuning into XYZ
broadcasting. I’m Suzie Singleton, reporting a special announcement. The day is
here that you’ve all been waiting for. That’s right, the global ban of the pop
hit “Call Me Maybe” has officially began this afternoon. Officials claim the
song had to be destroyed after numerous complaints that it was virtually
erasing any traces of productivity. Doctors soon created a name for this
effect, appropriately titled “Carly Rae Jepsen Syndrome,” in which any person
that was exposed to the song immediately abandoned their task, joyfully
breaking into song. A series of over-exaggerated hand gestures and head
movements were documented to also be a side effect of the syndrome.
Lia Dickason of
New Jersey tells XYZ news of her almost fatal experience with the syndrome:
“I was driving my
two kids, Sasha and Asheley, to school one morning when the song came on, and I
suddenly let go of the wheel to partake in consecutive fist pumps in the air.
There was no controlling it. It was as if something inside me was suddenly
powerless against this song. I looked in the rearview mirror and my kids were
doing the same fist pump I was. Right then and there, I knew something was
wrong. Luckily I was able to drive with my knees until the song was over, but
that could have definitely turned ugly.”
Thank you, Lia,
for sharing that frightening story with us. Reports show that the song also
contributed to an increased amount of insane asylum self turn-ins. The
ambiguity of the song proved to be too confusing for some people, and even lead
to other phrases such as, “Text me maybe,” “Go on a date with me maybe,” and
“Pick me up from work maybe.” We interviewed a worker at an asylum in London to
have a word with us. Officer Kurtis, are you there?
“Hi Suzie. Yeah,
it’s crazy—figuratively, I mean. Some people just can’t handle the amount of
uncertainty in that Carly Jepsen song. Some just need a definitive answer—yes
or no; ‘maybe’ just holds too much doubt. Got the best of a lot of good people.
They literally went nuts not knowing what the other person was asking. So sad.
Say, can I say a shout out to my Mum, Sheryl? Hi Mum! Look, I’m on . . . ”
Thank you Officer
Kurtis for that valued information. What?
. . . What’s this? Oh, how wonderful! It seems like our skilled street reporter
Sam ‘Scoop’ Diggins is amidst a craze on the streets of Rio. What’s happening
down there, Sam?
“Hi Suzie. Your
hair looks great by the way. I’m here live in Brazil where a massive parade is
going on behind me as we speak. And it all centers around a well. A gigantic
well in the heart of the city has literally filled up with coins—the product of
false hopes and destroyed dreams. Many believed the lyrics of “Call Me Maybe”
would help their love lives, thinking that throwing pennies and dimes into a well
would get them a sweating, shirtless man that mows a good lawn. However,
hundreds were disappointed when their dreams went unanswered after months of
waiting. And now it has been released by the city mayor that they will return
the money back to the dreamers in celebration of the song’s banishment. And
Suzie, I’d love to get a word from one of these crazed fanatics. Miss, excuse
me miss, may I have one word with you? What is your name?”
“Katie Dunffie.”
“Ms. Dunffie, how
do you feel about today’s events? Did you invest a lot?”
“I damn well did.
$42.35 to be exact. And not a single hunk chased me. Total fucking bullshit. I
even tried washing my car in a see through white shirt! But still nothing. Just
caught a cold. Carly Rae Jepsen is going to pay for this.”
“Well that does it
for here, Suzie. It just goes to show you how far many will go for love, or
even lust. Back to you.”
Great stuff, Sam.
Sounds like Rio needs to invest in some strip clubs if you ask me. As far as
the “Call Me Maybe” hit goes, experts are predicting to see a gradual increase
in productivity and sanity in the months to come following the song’s exile. When
we asked the Canadian sensation if we could conduct an interview with her about
the latest events, Carly Rae Jepsen only had one response: maybe. Well one
thing is for certain, she is pissed.
I’m Suzie
Singleton. Thanks for stopping by at XYZ news.
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